I wrote a quick article on speaking up last time I posted.  This is a subject near and dear to my heart, not only because I like to talk (because I’ll admit it, I do), but because I have managed people who just won’t talk.

If you let me talk, odds are, I’m going to keep on yammerin’.

It’s amazing what doesn’t happen when people refuse to communicate with one another.  I’ve had peers wanting me to discuss intimate secrets with someone else, simply because they couldn’t sit down and tell a teammate to his/her face what has been eating away at them for months.

Of course, it’s rational to not want to talk about certain things.  When a company goes through a series of lay-offs, for example, many people (and managers) shy away from the subject because it’s awkward to discuss in front of the “survivors.”  We don’t want to point out obvious flaws of our good friends at work because it could impact our friendship.  And, as someone who has dated (and subsequently married) a co-worker, talking about office romance can be a nightmare at best, even if it is reality.

Whether it’s comfortable or not, though, we all have to talk about taboo subjects once in a while.  When the time comes, here’s some advice on how to approach these topics:

Pick a good time to talk.  Timing can be everything, especially when you need to talk about something important.  The worse thing you can do is drop by someone’s desk and start blabbing to them about a taboo topic.  They could be in the middle of something, half distracted, and your topic might set them off.  Put aside real time to talk, and if you can, pick a comfortable setting.

Pick the right person to talk to about it. There are two types of people in this world: people who never talk and people who talk too much.  For those of us that lean toward the talky side, remember, a taboo subject isn’t something to just yammer on about to anyone.  You know who to avoid – the gossips, the people who twist your words into something you didn’t mean, and those who just plain don’t need to know.  Pick and choose who you are going to talk to and stick to them (and only them).

Know what you want to say before you say it. From personal experience, I can tell you that if you walk into a room to talk to someone with only a feeling, you’ll come across as too emotionally involved.  While it’s good to convey your feelings, know that you need to have a logical argument for what you are saying.  Think about 1 or 2 things max you want to talk about, and make sure those points are conveyed in a rational manner.

Imagine how the conversation might play out. A good way to prep yourself for a taboo talk is imagine how the conversation will unfold.  Will the person be upset?  Frustrated?  Confused?  If you can think about how the other person will react, you can plan how you speak to them accordingly and get to the heart of your message rather than just feelings.  Also, it never hurts to use this as mental prep before you go tackle a tough subject.

Prep yourself for possible negative reactions, even after you’ve had a chance to explain yourself. You are dealing with a taboo subject, so you have to prepare yourself for a possible negative reaction.  No one, for example, likes to be told they need to step up and work harder.  If the person acts completely emotionally, you have to know that it was still better to tell them what you needed to say anyway.  You can control your reaction and response, but you cannot control theirs.

Ultimately, there is no catch all way of how to talk about taboo work subjects, so it may seem fruitless to even try.  However, do let me end on a personal note.  When Jacob and I began dating in the workplace, I was terrified.  Even though he wasn’t technically my subordinate, we worked in the same division and often collaborated on projects.  Of course, I didn’t want to talk about it with other people, but when we became serious, I knew people on my team would find out.  I told my boss first, and even though he didn’t 100% approve, he did appreciate my honesty and helped me manage expectations on how to proceed in the workplace.  Over the next several weeks, I took time to talk to every person on my team (around 10 people) about our relationship.  A few people didn’t seem to like it, but most were indifferent, and a few even said they were happy for us.  When we got married later, most of my team ended up at our wedding reception party.  I can only imagine how different that would have worked out if I had tried to keep it a secret, simply because office romances are a taboo topic.

-Deborah Fike

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